


And When We Die, We Will Die With Our Arms Unbound

by kimaracretak



Category: Babylon 5
Genre: Gen, the death's canonical like it's spoilers for 'severed dreams'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-19
Updated: 2014-01-19
Packaged: 2018-01-09 08:09:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1143599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimaracretak/pseuds/kimaracretak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(come the war; come hell): nine moments in the life of sandra hiroshi</p>
            </blockquote>





	And When We Die, We Will Die With Our Arms Unbound

**I.**  

The first word she writes, before even her name, is “honor”.  She doesn’t know it’s a word.  She doesn’t know it’s anything but a pretty picture that is everywhere around the house - above the mantle, on her bedroom wall, even on the window curtains.  When Sandra is two years old and playing with her mother’s old inks and brushes (she’s not supposed to, but her parents aren’t home and her older brother is much too engrossed in his latest video game to pay her much mind) the first thing she does is copy down “honor”.  Over and over again in the flowing Japanese script, tiny tongue caught between her teeth in concentration.

* * *

**II.**  

When she is seven, she is deemed “old enough” to learn the reason why the word “honor” is so prevalent in the house.  She is told the story of her many times great grandfather, who was an air force pilot during the second world war.  She learns how he left the force when his squadron was ordered to bomb civilian targets.  She is told the two reasons he left: He believed in honor, and he believed in life.

“Always make sure you know what you’re fighting for, Sandra,” her father instructs her.  “Always make sure you’re fighting for the right reasons.  And what are those reasons?”  

“Honor and life,” she answers solemnly.  She’s too young to understand, but the words will always remain with her.

* * *

**III.**

There’s never any option but Earthforce for her.  Where better to carry out her desire to protect and to serve, to carry out her family’s noble military tradition?  At graduation, she thinks back to her father’s words.  He died two years ago, but she still whispers, “I know why I’m fighting, father.”  She joins an expedition to the Rim, guarding a research team.  Years pass, and she wraps herself in a sense of righteousness that comes not from arrogance, but from her pure and unshakeable belief in justice and honor.  She’s a commander when she takes her place at the Line.  She has no family any more, and no compunctions about dying.  She will follow this captain, this president, into anything.

* * *

**IV.**

Sandra survives.  Others don’t.  She mourns their loss, not their deaths.

* * *

**V.**

Her first officer on the _Churchill_ is a woman named Katie Sawyer.  Too young for the job, Sandra catches herself thinking more than once.  But she’s always been capable, and they have a solid working relationship.  The second time they’re on leave, once they’ve been working together for four years, they even get drunk together.  Perhaps fortunately for the rest of the bar’s patrons, they are both quiet drunks - philosophical, even.  “I’ve been thinking about death,” Katie says slowly.

“Oh, come on,” Sandra grins lazily.  “Surely the new girlfriend isn’t _that_ bad.”  It’s been almost three weeks, so Katie must see _something_ in this one.

Katie leans back on her barstool, gazing dreamily at the ceiling.  “Nah, she’s _fantastic._ Officer on the _Alexander,_ and her legs go on for _ever._ ”  The look is gone as suddenly as it appeared.  “Seriously Sandra.  I’ve been thinking about how I want to die.  I want it to mean something.”

Sandra knocks back another shot.  The Centauri really do make good alcohol, she muses idly.  “We all want that, Kate.  Everyone wants to go out in blaze of glory someday.  Not everyone’s destined to be remembered by history.”

“See, I don’t believe that.”  Katie leans forward, signaling the bartender.  He frowns at her, but goes to fetch them two more drinks.  “As long as we go down fighting - for duty, honor, family, whatever it is - someone will remember us.”

“ _We?_ ” She asks, grabbing her drink with only slightly uncoordinated hands.

Katie snorts.  She needs two hands for her glass, but seems to be managing alright.  “Of course we.  You’re my captain.  If you go down, I’m going down with ya.”

A smile creeps on to Sandra’s face despite her best efforts.  “Okay then.  Let’s drink to going down in a blaze of honorable glory - in about fifty years.”

They clink glasses.  Katie’s drink spills all over the bar and she dissolves into giggles.  Sandra decides it’s time to leave.  Sometimes, she thinks as she swipes her credit chit and supports Katie out of the bar, the honor lies in the retreat.

* * *

**VI.**

When it comes time, the choice to defect is as easy as the choice to join Earthforce.  She’s watched the organization that she swore to devote her life to change into something unrecognizable.  (She voted for Crane, anyway, and suspects most of her crew did the same.)  The way EarthGov so casually tosses out honor and respect and dignity and even the lives of their soldiers sets her blood boiling.  Anyone who wants to leave does so, aided by the (perhaps less than gentle) hand of her security chief.  It’s not like the _Churchill_ ’s defection will be kept secret for long, and the less possibility for sabotage the better.  She cannot stop those who wish to waste away in service of Clark, but she can judge them.  Those who chose to carry out illegal orders are just as much responsible for the destruction that follows as those who gave the orders.  She won’t let herself, nor anyone else on her ship, deal such wanton destruction on the innocents.

* * *

**VII.**

As they wait for Clark’s forces to fire the first shot, she addresses her crew for what may be the last time.  “I want you to know what an honor it’s been to serve with you,” she says.  “And if we die fighting today, I want you to know that I couldn’t be prouder of the choices you made.  You are the best that EarthForce has to offer.”

* * *

**VIII.**

It’s like everyone is dying in slow motion but too fast at the same time.  Her ship’s weapons cut through the _Roanoke_ and the _Agrippa,_ inflicting as much damage as they’re receiving.  Outside, Sawyer leads the starfuries in a methodical yet wild attack/defense pattern.  All the tricks learned in school won’t help here, no matter well executed, because everyone on the other side - can she even bear to call them the enemy? No, she can’t - knows exactly the same thing.  She trusts Katie to be innovative enough to protect the squadron as best she can.  She leans forward in her chair.  “Forward batteries, fire!”  She feels the slight tremor as the missiles are released but something feels off about it.  “What’s going on?”  A _bang!_ underscores her words as a console explodes, the lieutenant manning it jumping back with a curse.

The _Churchill_ starts to turn, trying to come about for another pass at the _Roanoke._ Before the turn is more than half completed, though, there’s another enormous _bang!_ and the whole ship screams in pain.  “The midsection’s buckling! Fires on all decks!”  She can’t see who shouted, smoke is starting to cloud the bridge.

“How long do we have?”  Her voice doesn’t waver.

“Four minutes. At most.  We still have a few escape pods viable, but there’s no chance the ship’s going to last very long.”

She fumbles for the all-call while clinging to her seat.  Her beloved shipshudders and whines under her feet, listing dangerously.  “All hands, this is the captain.  You have four minutes to get to the escape pods before the _Churchill_ is destroyed.  We’re a lost cause, but the _Roanoke_ is going down with us.”

Her bridge crew doesn’t move.  Her fierce, wonderful bridge crew.  “Go,” she snaps in the most authoritative tone she can muster.  She hopes that belowdecks, the rest of the crew is taking the chance to leave.  The chance to live and fight another day.

At the helm, Lieutenant Rhyer looks up, the collision course plotted before she could even explicitly order it.  “We’re not going anywhere, Captain.  You should know this.  As she stares at him, speechless, all five officers on the bridge stand up and salute her.  Overcome with emotion, she returns the gesture with a steady hand.

_Well, Clark.  I hope this blaze of glory is fucking big enough for you.  Honor, in the end, will always win._

_“Captain!”_ Katie screams over the comms. _“Sandra!”  I’m not sorry you’re going to live, wonderful, loyal Katie._ _“NO!”_ She shuts her eyes.  _“Hiroshi! Get out of there!”_ She hopes Sheridan and Ryan will take care of her pilots.

* * *

**IX.**

She dies with a smile on her face.


End file.
